


Bitty Hates Paula Deen (and Other Stories)

by gayhockeyhell (littlelionbabe)



Series: Bitty Hates Paula Deen (and Other Stories) [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: (not really) - Freeform, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, my irrational hatred of paula deen may have seeped into this a little, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:14:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5309042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelionbabe/pseuds/gayhockeyhell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bitty hates Paula Deen with every bit of his Southern heart.</p><p>And that's just the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bitty Hates Paula Deen (and Other Stories)

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on [tumblr](gayhockeyhell.tumblr.com)!

He wished he could say that this was the first time he found himself outside The Lady and Sons. He loves Bitty, he really does, but their last trip to Savannah had not ended on a good note, and he had absolutely no hopes for this trip to go any better. He put his hand on Bitty’s shoulder.

“You know, for you to make good on your deal, you actually have to enter the building, Bits.” Bitty shrugged his hand off in a huff.

“I’m aware, Jack, but that doesn’t mean I actually want to set foot in this – this restaurant.” He spat out the last word as if it physically pained him to say it. But he had to. After the last - and frankly disastrous - trip to Savannah, his network had given him an ultimatum: visit The Lady and Sons and produce something positive to say, or face dire disciplinary action. He may be a rising star, but that did not allow him the freedom to stage a protest outside the doors of Paula Deen’s very famous, immensely popular restaurant.

“It’s such a pretentious name,” Jack heard Bitty mutter under his breath as he opened the door to the restaurant. “I mean, really. The Lady? Who does she even think she is? She’s not the be all to end all. Honestly…” Jack placed his hand on Bitty’s back in an attempt to guide him further into the restaurant. Bitty sent him a glare, but allowed his boyfriend to steer him inside.

He knew it was because of Bitty’s Food Network connections that they got seated as fast as they did; the disgruntled looks of other customers gave him the impression that they had done a little bit of leapfrogging in order to get seated. While Jack’s polite Canadian sensibilities told him he should apologize and insist they wait in line with the rest of the customers, the rest of him knew he had to get his boyfriend in and out of here as quickly as possible in order to minimize the possibility of him making a scene.

Of course, he knew he couldn't eliminate the possibility completely. If he did, he would be underestimating Bitty and his flair for the dramatic. A flair that was made evident as Bitty shoved his coat off and tossed it aside in a manner completely unbecoming of a celebrity chef. As if to contrast his boyfriend, Jack placed his sports coat on the back of his chair with deliberate care and began to lead Bitty to the other side of the restaurant, placing his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder as they walked over to the buffet.

If it were possible to break fine china with a glare, Jack’s sure Bitty would have destroyed the plate he offered him. After a moment, Bitty snatched the dish from his hands and began to contemplate the food laid out before them.

“I still don’t understand why I have to do this. It’s not like I said anything that was untrue,” Bitty grumbled as he scooped up some mashed potatoes from the buffet. Jack simply nodded, having heard Bitty’s complaints a thousand times before.

“Any self-respecting chef would agree with me. This food is cheaply produced in order to make money off of naïve tourists who are willing to pay for a subpar buffet simply because it's associated with ‘the Queen of Comfort Food.’” Bitty laced the epithet with as much venom as he could possibly muster. Jack’s only response was to pile more green beans onto his boyfriend’s plate for him. Bitty hardly even noticed, continuing his rant as they made their way back to their table.

“Honestly, having a buffet as the only option for Sunday brunch is just a cheap gimmick to draw in tourists that think they're getting a more authentic ‘Southern experience.’ It's another layer of deception.” If he hadn’t been carrying a plate laden with food, Jack was sure he would have been gesturing wildly with his hands, as well. Bitty practically threw his plate onto the table, as if the was trying to get it as far away from him as possible.

He spent a full minute glaring at his plate as if its mere existence was a personal insult to him. His fork hovered over his plate, keeping itself a respectable distance from the food. Jack couldn’t help but let out a small snort of laughter at the sight of his boyfriend.

“C’mon Bits, you have to eat some. It can’t be as bad as you think it is.” In order to prove his point, he scooped up a dollop of mashed potatoes for himself. He instantly regretted it. They were bland and lukewarm and nowhere near as good as Bitty’s mashed potatoes. He forced a smile on his face, though, pretending all was well.

“See? They’re not so bad.” He dug up another forkful and guided it across the table towards Bitty, who transferred his glare from his plate to Jack. He grudgingly ate the bite of mashed potatoes Jack offered him, the look of disdain never leaving his face.

“Jack Laurent Zimmermann, you are the worst,” he finally managed to accuse after choking down what were quite possibly the most disgusting potatoes he had ever had. He took a bite of the macaroni in the hopes that it would wipe the potatoes from his memory. It didn’t.

“I swear to God, if Paula Deen managed to screw up these green beans, too…” Bitty mumbled while stabbing the beans with more force than was necessary. He shoved them in his mouth and almost immediately let out a noise of disgust. Jack could tell that it took all of Bitty’s self-control to actually swallow them. Bitty pushed his chair back from the table, putting his napkin on the table as he stood up.

“I can’t do this, Jack. This food is an abomination. _Paula Deen_ is an abomination,” Bitty hissed. Jack could only watch as his boyfriend stormed out the front door. He chuckled as he pulled out his wallet and placed a few bills on the table. Noticing that quite a few patrons were staring at him, he smiled politely as he put on his sports coat, snatching up Bitty’s forgotten coat as he followed Bitty out the front door.

He found Bitty standing outside the restaurant, tweeting furiously. Jack placed Bitty’s jacket around his shoulders before pulling him into a hug.

“Remember, Bitty,” he whispered, trying desperately to hold in his laughter, “you still have to write a positive review, which should be easy. After all, I know how much you _love_ Paula Deen.”


End file.
